Anchors A-Weigh

The other day, my wife and I went on a cruise. We went to Progresso and Cozumel, and our third stop was Belize. We actually never went to the mainland of Belize. Instead we choose for one of our "excursions" to go snorkeling at Goff's Caye (pronounced KEY, I've been told).


Goff's Caye turned out to be a small island. When I say small...I mean SMALL. Tiny. It was right off the coral reef, and was surrounded by crystal clear water. The picture attached to this post is Goff's Caye. There was a place to dock a couple of boats and a little cabana with some people selling drinks and snacks out of ice chests. It was a beautiful place.

Goff's Caye is not what this post is about. It's about Larry.

Larry was the "deckhand" on the boat that we took from the cruise ship to the island. He had a brilliant smile, a quiet manner, and a quick laugh. He was less than 18 years old, and weighed a buck 'O five soaking wet. One of Larry's jobs was to help people back into the boat.

You see, we snorkeled from the boat about 300 yards off Goff's Caye. When you finished snorkeling, you swam back to the boat, and got back in. At least that was the general idea.

There was a ladder on the back of the boat. However, one side of it had broken loose from the fiberglass of the boat. So Larry would stand with one foot holding the broken piece of the ladder in place, hanging a rope over the back for each person to pull themselves up. The ladder was so short that only the bottom step was actually in the water. I had to practically float on my back to get my foot up on to it.

Now picture Larry, all 105 lbs of him, trying to hold a rope that I'M pulling on, while keeping the ladder from pulling loose with one of his feet.

After about 10 minutes of me attempting to get in, Larry and I both realized that if I were to pull hard enough to pull myself up onto the ladder, what would actually happen would be the quick extrication of Larry from the boat.

Fortunately, another snorkeler was willing to give me a shove on the derrier to give me the extra boost I needed to get in without pulling Larry out.

Embaressing? Yes.

Funny? Absolutely.

A Family Heirloom

One fine day in 1991, my wife-to-be came to my parent's home for the first time. She came to attend my childhood best friend's wedding. While she was there, I of course gave her the grand tour of my home, showed her the family scrapbooks, etc.

One of the things that I showed her was one our family heirlooms. It's a porcelain wall vase, shaped like a handfan, dipped in 24k gold. It's one of the few "fancy" things we have. My family usually goes for more of the rustic antique-type things.


I wanted to show my wife-to-be the markings on the inside where is showed that it was 24k gold, etc. So, I took it off the wall...and dropped it. That's right. I dropped it.

And. It. Broke.

Into pieces. Just a few. I was able to glue it back together, and when it is hanging on the wall you can't tell it was ever damaged. It's our family secret.

Can anyone top that story?

A Joyful Melancholy Christmas

Christmas is always somewhat of paradox for me and my family. We, as a family, love Christmas. However, it's always a little bitter-sweet.

We lost my dad on December 1st, 1999. Bad enough to lose a family member during the holidays, but Christmas we very special to my dad. He played Santa for years. If you would like, take a minute and click here to read my previous post.

Of course, we have LOTS of great memories of dad, and we always talk freely about him. At the same time, I always miss him the most during Christmas.

He played Santa many places, but he was THE Santa at our local mall for years. Just after Christmas, I had a chance (yeah!) to stop by the mall. The Santa Land display was still set up. There's a pretty green package with a plaque on it sitting just to the left of Santa's chair. In case you can't read it in the photo, the plaque says:

This Gift Box

Displayed
In Memory Of
"Santa Bob"
Bob Butler
3-11-1936 to 12-1-1999

Again, a little bitter-sweet...but it brought a small to my face to think of him.

Milk Does A Blogger Good

So, along with my post about misleading advertising done by a major jewelry maker, I thought I would point out something else that everyone else may not know.

Whole milk is 3.25% butterfat. That's right...3.25%.

"What does that mean to me?" you ask.

What it means is that 2% milk does not have 2% of the butterfat that whole milk has. It has 61.5% of the butterfat that whole milk has!! A cup of whole milk has 28 more calories from fat than a cup of 2% milk.

In the words of my mother:

"I don't like little percent fat milk...I like real milk better than fake milk."

So drink whole milk. Enjoy it. It's not 98% worse for you than that 2% the establishment tries to push on you, but it does taste 300% better!

A Christmas Eve Tradition

Okay, I admit it. I like opening presents. I like surprises. My wife laughs at me because I always want to open presents 1 to 12 days early.

I managed to talk her into exchanging our gifts on the 20th this year! We're out of town for the holidays, and it seemed just silly to tote all those presents half way across the country to open them and tote them halfway back. Right?!? :)

Every year growing up I always worked my parents hard about opening presents. Usually, what would end up happening is I could open just one present a day early. Just one. Now, it was never THE present. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that you especially wanted. The one that you had been asking for for weeks. In my house, that present was usually reserved for delivery by Santa, and was opened Christmas Day morning. But I usually managed to squeeze out one present early.

Today, we're keeping that tradition alive (at my request). My son is going to open one present tonight, then tomorrow we're opening the rest. The present he is going to open is actually some of my old Fischer Price toys that my mom and sister got out of the attic and wrapped up for him.

I'm a believer in thinking out of the box and being innovative...but not all traditions are bad.

Merry Christmas

Time Is Relative...No Really It Is!

There's something I want you to know about me. I thought I should go ahead and get it out in the open.

Sometimes people look at me funny. Okay...lots of times people look at me funny. But sometimes in particular they look at me funny because of a quirk of mine.

Often I will start an anecdote with, "The other day I..."

Now, when most people say "the other day", they mean a couple of days ago, or maybe a week or two. But for me, there's today, yesterday, and "the other day". Could be 3 days, 3 weeks...even 3 years.

I think the furthest back I've "the other day"ed it is about 6 years. If it was in the past, and it wasn't yesterday, then it was "the other day".

Oh yeah...just FYI, this is my 75th blog since I started blogging the other day.

Two Type of Drivers

A brilliant man once said (actually I think it was a standup comic) that there are only two types of drivers in the world:

idiots & maniacs

An Idiot is anyone that is driving slower than you. A Maniac is anyone driving faster.

True insight into human nature if you ask me.

I've Been Converted!

Every couple of years, Cheryl and I would get our pictures taken to pass out to family and friends. Then when Nathanael came along it escalated.

I guess the main problem was the places that we would go. Wal-Mart. Target. JC Penny. Any place that had a coupon.

But I detested it!!! Waiting in line for the people in front of you to decide which mediocre picture they wanted. Then sitting under the Kentucky Fried Chicken lamp, slowly dissolving into a pool of sweat. Turn your head. A little more. Now lower your chin. Turn your head a little more. Now smile. Bigger...

Arrgghh!! Get me out of there!!

Then you sort through the pictures, pick one you are only partially happy with, and buy a set with the 3 sizes you really want, and 400 ultra-small ones that you'll never give to anyone.

1) Your root canal is Friday.
2) Your dog died.
3) We have pictures Tuesday.

My three favorite phrases to hear.

Now today...today was different!! We met Melody Purcell at the park. It was chilly, so we went pretty fast, but in less time than it took Susie No-Talent at the Cheap-Mart to take our pictures, Melody snapped a couple DOZEN incredible shots. I even had fun. That's right, I said it, fun!

I am a professional photo shoot convert. I'm never going back. You can't make me. Don't even try. But if you live in the Atlanta area, and you need a photographer, let me know.

Another Update

A while back, I posted a blog about my sister, who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She has already given one good report. Below is her most recent email.

I had a CAT scan yesterday. Neal & I went to see Dr. Pant this afternoon. The Keemo is working great---the tumor is gone...that's right GONE. There is no more fluid in my chest. Some scar tissue but that is to be expected. After I sat for a bit quietly I asked "What does this mean?" Dr. Pant says we are exactly where we need to be..couldn't ask for anything better. I will continue with my next two Keeemo sessions...one coming up next Monday and the LAST the first Monday of January. After that I will have a CAT scan every 2-3 months to monitor my progress or "lack thereof" as I prefer to think of it! When or if it comes back we will deal with it then. I believe my continued overall wellness will soar once the drugs & poison are out of my system.

I finally took the plunge Sunday before last and shaved my head. I do have a good lookin' noggin (just as I suspected) and Dr. Pant suggested today that Neal & I should have our picture made to send out for Christmas Cards! She's pretty cool--I like her alot! Susan (my work friend/spouse) had a batch of Brazos Fasteners do-rags made. My crew can be quite a site with their various head gear on these days!

I want to thank all of your for your continued prayers & support. I told my Yoga buddy tonight I feel like I'm in a snow globe of love. I'm sometimes overwhelmed. I am blessed each and everyday...and this one has been no exception. We wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with love, health and happiness. We hope to see you soon....

How's that for great news? Keep up the praying.

Zales? Shmales!

As I watching one of my favorite shows tonight, being without my cable DVR, I ended up watching a few commercials.

One of them was a "Zales 25% off the original price" commercial.

Then I noticed the small print.

"Original sales price may not have resulted in actual sales."

Clever.

Chuck E. Cheese

So I guess we ditched the cable none too soon. Why, you ask?

We were driving through Marietta a few days ago, when we passed by a Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza. My 2+ year-old son saw the sign and yelled, (in his cute, 2 year-old voice) "I wanna go play games at Chuck E. Cheese's!!!!"

Now, if the story ended here, it would be cute enough, but it doesn't. My son didn't just yell out the fact that he wanted to go play games. He didn't just yell the name of the "restaurant". This is what he said in its entirety:

"I wanna go play games at Chuch E. Cheese's...a proud sponsor of Playhouse Disney!!"

Yep...too much cable.

Wrecked and Abandoned

While in college, I was in a hip, cool, froody band called Reckless Abandon. That's right...Reckless Abandon. We were a Christian rock band, desperately hanging onto the end of the glam rock days, still sporting our mullets and convincing ourselves that our mullets, and ourselves were cool.

As I mentioned, we played Christian music (actually, I said we were a Christian rock band, but that is what that usually means to most people), so not only did we have a name that to us signified something spiritual and meaningful (that's another post), but we ALSO had a band Bible verse. Kind of our signature scripture if you will.

It was Matthew chapter 16, verse 24:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

It's a good verse. I like it. We all did. So much so, that our band logo consisted of our name (Reckless Abandon), with a little "Matthew 16:24" underneath it.

We actually played the area around our college quite a bit, and ended up getting some t-shirts made. Of course, being in college, and musicians, we had no money. So we got some guy who owed a favor to somebody's uncle's cousin's sister-in-law and just happened to have a t-shirt business on the side to print them for us.

And he did. And we were pumped! White lettering on black t-shirts. They were cool. There was our name "Reckless Abandon"...and there was our band verse: Matthew 16:20. Awesome!

Then someone noticed something... Wait a minute...it says Matthew 16:20! It was supposed to be Matthew 16:24! What's Matthew 16:20 say?

Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Christ.

-----

True story.

-----

Feeling brave?

A Little Premature?

On the little screen in the elevator at work today I saw an interesting headline:

Ala. county sets 'Barack Obama Day' as new holiday

Now, don't get me wrong. I recognize the historic precedent of Barack Obama's election. I really do. But couldn't we have waited until he at least took office before we created a holiday for him?

I mean...

In this county, this is a paid, government holiday. Annual holiday. Take a minute and read the article.

Go figure.

Happy Birthday to Me

It's not my birthday today. (It's February 10th, in case you want to make a note of it.) But a few years ago, my birthday was especially special.

My parents and some of my in-laws were in town for my birthday, and my wife was cooking homemade pasta e fagioli soup (even better than Olive Garden's). It was set to be a nice day.

Then about the time we were going to eat, up to our door walks a crowd of people. All my best friends, my pastor, coworkers, pretty much everyone in Tyler that I cared about. Once the dust had settled, my wife had somehow managed to coordinate tables and chairs being set up in our dining room and living room, and about 35 people sat down and enjoyed my birthday soup with me.

My wife went through an unbelievable amount of trouble just for me. I'll never forget my special surprise birthday party.

It was a good day.

Thankfully...

My thankful lists, by category:


Biggees:
My wife
My son
My family
My friends
My church
My job
My home
My health

Random:
Books
Ham
Velcro
Cell phones
Recliners
Sweet tea

Superheroes
Flip-flops

Power windows

Copy/Paste

Vacation

Google

(last, but not least)
Spiritual:
The Cross
Grace
Mercy
A God Who Loves Me

My World Has Shrunkened

Tilt Shift Photography.

It's this cool technique where photographers use special lenses and angles to mess with your perspective on photos. It can make real life look like miniatures. The coolest thing is you can simulate the effect with a photo editor.

There's some great videos done by this Australian guy. Here's one.


Beached from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Here's a couple of photos I took while in Nashville at the Gaylord Opry Hotel. I "tilt shifted" them myself. You can see one of the original pictures here.

Quit Shakin' Dice!

My good friend Kenny Scruggs is a talker. He'll admit it. I'm not talking behind his back or anything. Any of you that know me personally know that I'm a talker, too. But I think Kenny may have a notch or two on me.

Now, our families have spent quite a bit of time together. We both like to play games of all types, so there's been many an evening where we've played this game or that.

When it would get around to Kenny's turn, he usually wasn't quite ready to go...usually because he had been talking (usually to me). Then to compound the issue, he would pick up the dice (assuming we were playing a game that used dice), start shaking them, and then proceed to finish (or start) a story. It was usually at this point, one or both of our wives (or someone else that happened to be playing) would, say, "Go Kenny!", and he would go ahead and take his turn.

So today, I give you my latest addition to English colloquialisms:

"Quit shakin' dice and go!" Of course, you could replace the word "go" with whatever you wish the person would do. Alternatively, it could be, "Come on! Quit shakin' dice!"

I suppose it is similar to "fish or cut bait". What do you think?

I think it could be used anytime, but would be most appropriate when the offending party was talking. I don't know...it may not catch on, but I'm going to try to use it a couple of times this week.

I've Been Set Free!

When we moved into our current residence back in April, we were sad to find out that we had too many trees for us to continue our DirecTV service. So we lost the NFL Sunday Ticket, which made my wife very sad, and we switched to cable. Charter Cable, to be exact.

Charter had been our internet provider for over a year, and I was pretty satisfied with the level of service we had received so far. However, when we tried to get a HD DVR (that's a high-definition digital video recorder, for the less tech-savvy out there) through them, it took them over a month to get it right. I won't bore you with all the details and the hassles that we went through. Suffice it to say, at the end of it, they gave us some significant discounts to make up for all the problems.

Well, the season of our discounts is over, and our Charter bill last month for cable television and internet access was...(drumroll)...$166!!! What?!?! That's crazy, you say? That's what I said. For someone making minimum wage, that's a serious chunk of change.

So, I went to Home Depot's website and found a nice little antenna and purchased it. Today, my friend Joshua came over and we installed it. So, as I am typing this, I am watching the Cowboys get beat by the Redskins in full 1080i HD on broadcast television...and it is free. That's right folks. Free.

My next project is a home-grown DVR.

I've been set free! From cable, that is. Viva la Antenna!!

Back Home

We're back in Atlanta (Marietta, really). We had a great time, but the weather was a little bit of a downer, so we thought we'd cut it a day short.

Now that I'm home, I've caught up on my online stuff, including throwing up a blog on my OTHER blog:

Silver Screen Sandwich

This blog is one for a "movie club" that I belong to. It's not really a movie club, per se. Just some friends that like movies and started talking about how it would be fun to watch a few classics together. So, you can read our thoughts/recommendations/etc. about the movies we are watching on that blog.

Gaylord Opryland

While in Nashville, we are staying in the Gaylord Opryland Hotel.

Here's a nice photo I took from one of the balconies of our hotel. This a view of one of the INTERIOR areas of the hotel.

Music City, USA

Today, my family and I are in Nashville. I'm here for work, but since I had a private hotel room, and the location was close enough to drive, I was basically able to bring the family for free!

Couple of things:

1) We ate dinner at the B.B. King Blues Bar/Restaurant last night, and the food and music was excellent.
2) The reason I am here is because the primary software that I work on is having their yearly convention. Now the cool thing is that the company that I work for was up for the Practice of the Year for large practices (there were also small and medium categories). We had made the finals a few weeks ago, but we didn't know until this morning that...drumroll...we won! Wahoo! It's a great honor, and we were all very excited.
3) My son has been having fun. He's a little worn out, though. A few minutes ago, he said, "Momma, I need a drink." My wife turned, grabbed his cup, turned back to him...and he was already asleep.

From here we are heading to Apple Mountain Resort!

By the Zeppa Center

In college I was walking to the practice field (I was in the marching band) when I walked by a new freshman girl. She was cute, so I said hello to her. She respond with a "Hi" back, but with this really cute southern twang that made "Hi" a two syllable word.

That made her even cuter.

A few days later, I twisted my ankle playing wallyball, and had to sit on the sidelines during marching band practice for a couple of weeks. She and a couple of her friends started talking with me during water breaks. One day I asked her if she was going to a recital at the music building that evening. She said that she might, and later that night she did show up and we ended up sitting next to each other.

While a group of us were talking and waiting for the recital to start, she mentioned that she was taking trigonometry. I volunteered to tutor her if she needed any help. (From purely selflless, motives, I assure you.) She looked at me very strangely. I later came to find out that she was shocked that I thought I could tutor her in a math subject. To her I just looked like a big dumb jock.

Anyway, the tutoring began, and after a few weeks, she invited me to go to the Texas State Fair with her and some friends. I agreed, but then asked if she would meet me by the lake at the Zeppa Center (our college rec building - which has now been demolished and replaced) to talk a little bit.

We did, and the conversation was a pretty long one, but basically went like this:

Me: I was in a long relationship, and I'm not really interested in dating just to date. I really plan on marrying the next person I date. If that's not where you are right now (being just 18 and all), I totally understand. But if you want, we can still go to the fair, but just go as friends.

Pause...

Her: Let's be friends.

So that's what we did.



Fast forward a bit...



November 20th will be our 15th wedding anniversary.

I'd say overall that the day by the Zeppa Center turned out to be a good day.

Uhhh...Say What?

The following is what serves for me as a "political post".

Today I was listening to Dave Ramsey.  He was taking calls from people letting them tell him who they voted for and why.  I only got to hear a few minutes, but one guy called to say he voted for Senator Obama.  

Dave asked him why.  They guy on the phone said it was because he liked Obama's stance on social and economic issues.   So Dave asked him if he was in favor of socialism.  Check out my paraphrase of the guy's response:

"I've heard that some people think that Obama leans too much towards socialism.  (Pause)  I'm not sure I know what they mean by that.  What really is socialism?"

They guy said in one breath that he liked Obama's social stance, and then in the next breath said he didn't understand it.  Wow.  I don't think he really liked Obama's social policy ideas, as much as the way Obama presented his social policy ideas.

Well, we'll find out in a little while if the caller will get to learn about socialism through life experience over the next few years...

Chicken Anyone?

It's late...I should be in bed...but I've been laughing to myself about this all day...

If you spend much time with me, you'll learn that I am allergic to chicken.  All poultry, in fact.  I always jokingly say that's why they call it fowl.  Haha.  I don't go into anaphylactic shock or anything like that, but it definitely does NOT agree with me.

That being said, of course chicken (and turkey) is so ubiquitous, I have to be careful eating out. Even soups are usually on the "no thanks" list because so many of them use chicken stock as a base.

So today, when the new management of our building had a "Get To Know Us" breakfast for all the tenants, I ran into this situation again.  They had "vegetable breakfast burritos", and just plain "breakfast burritos".  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  "Excuse me...what's in the breakfast burritos?"

Server:  "Meat, cheese...uh...um...tomatoes I think."

Me:  "I'm allergic to poultry.  Do you know what kind of meat it is?"

Server:  "Sausage."

Okay.  Ever of heard of people putting turkey in their sausage to lean it up and make it healthier?  I sure have.  Sausage is not a "meat", it is a "meat product"...sometimes it is a "meat BY-product".  You never hear a rancher say, "Yeah, I've got 50 head of cattle on the back 40 acres, and 100 head of sausage on the front 40."

Me:  "Do you know if there is any turkey or chicken in it?"

Server:  "I'm not sure..."

Lady behind me in line:  "There's probably not any turkey in it..."

Apparently she had no problem risking MY health.  I think she just wanted me to quit slowing the line down.  So I grabbed one of each and headed back to my desk.

It was ham.

A Good Day

One day, when I was about 10 (I think), I woke up early in the morning. My dad left for work very early, and I could always tell that I was up too early if he was still there. That morning, I found dad and mom at the kitchen counter eating breakfast.

I stumbled in and sat down. I'm sure I started helping myself to whatever was on the table. Mom stepped out of the room for a few minutes and then came back. She told me to put on some old clothes.

When I asked her why, she responded by saying that I wasn't going to school that day. She had just phoned my best friend's mom and gotten her okay for my mom to take both of us to the reservoir fishing for the day. I stood there with my mouth open for a few minutes, then ran to my room and got dressed.

Why did she do that? When you are ten and your mom says you can skip school and go fishing, you don't ask questions (and I still haven't), so I don't know particularly. However, even though I don't remember the details (how many fish we caught (if any), how long we were there, etc.), I remember the fact that she did this. It was awesome. She was the coolest mom in the world (and still is). That simple act of her spending the day with me definitely made me feel loved.

FYI, it was the only time I ever skipped to school to go fishing, but I'll always have that as one of my favorite memories.

It was a good day.

An Update...

A few days ago, I posted about my sis and her recent diagnosis with cancer. She sent out an "update email" yesterday, I got her permission to post it here. That's her in the Marines shirt, by the way, posing with her co-workers on Do-rag Day.

Hello everyone,

I just got in from my Yoga class and wanted to take a minute to share my day. I had a CT scan last Friday and today I went to see Dr. Pant my oncologist. She said my tumor is responding to the Keemo (that's how I spell it now for fun) and we will continue the current treatment schedule. I have had two keemo sessions and have made it through without any sickness at all. I do get a little fatigued for a day or two after, but by the weekend I'm back to normal. I have four more to go...should be done just in time to start the New Year!

I have lost most of my hair and now sport some quite fashionable do-rag's. My co-workers have joined in for support...although I think some days it's just to hide a "Bad Hair Day"! :) In order to tell my friends & family how I'm doing each day, My friend Susan at work and I developed a number system...10= the day my cancer is in remission 1=I don't plan on using this number. Most days I'm a 9 and some days a 9+...although I had a cold last week and went all the way down to 8. I guess what I'm saying is I feel great and work everyday to make wellness a way of life. My energy level is off the chart most of the time, my appetite is good ( if fact I've gained a few pounds these past weeks) and I feel great. Pretty cool, huh?

Trout seems to be one of the things I truly enjoy for dinner these days. So with much protest (NOT) Neal is out catching dinner for tomorrow night. He's doing a great job taking care of me and keeping me in line. He and Susan tag team through the day with Mom remaining the Big Boss if I get too big for my britches! :)

So, with all that being said....Thank you all for your love, support, cards and calls. But especially all the prayers. They are being answered on a daily basis. Take care of yourselves & each other. I'll keep you posted on the progress!

Love to all,
Teresa

Well, there you have it. Pretty great news so far! Thanks for all your prayers.

And Now We Find Ourselves Here

So I was watching the tube the other day and I saw an advertisement for a new movie. Keep in mind this was during prime time.  The title was "Zach and Miri Make a Porno". As I sat and watched the commercial, feeling somewhat dumbfounded, I couldn't help but be a little shocked as to what now passes as fair game for mainstream comedy. IMDB has this for the synopsis:

Lifelong platonic friends Zack and Miri look to solve their respective cash-flow problems by making an adult film together. As the cameras roll, however, the duo begin to sense that they may have more feelings for each other than they previously thought.

Now, I wouldn't be surprised that if you sat down and watched this movie (which I am not recommending, by the way), that you might actually find a few funny scenes, and probably even some heart-warming moments. After all, they are almost billing it as a romantic comedy.  But the basic premise of the movie just steps over another line.  It's been the practice of the movie industry for years to throw a smattering of bad language, a little nudity, and a couple of bedroom scenes into their "Rated R" comedies for years, but it this just seems to be a new low.

I understand that this movie has an "R" rating, and is therefore intended for "adults".  I've never been accused of being a prude (at least not to my face), but it just feels like ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is now fair game for the media in songs, movies, and television.  There's no longer any sense of the sacred or profane.  Nothing is too holy that it can't be made fun of, and nothing is too profane that it can't be slathered all over prime-time television.  

In my opinion, and that's all it is, this just reeks of the media latest attempt to find something new and provocative, to push the envelope, and to be the one that breaks new ground "artistically".

But, for me personally, this was ground that I would have love to have left unbroken.

If You Are of the Praying Kind...

Hello all.

My older sister, Teresa, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She began chemo a few weeks ago, and seems to be doing well. At this time, she seems to be feeling pretty good most days.

Her attitude and outlook have been incredible throughout the entire ordeal.

So, for those of you that pray, I'm asking that you add her to your list. She reads my blog at times as well, so if you would like to give her any words of encouragement, feel free to comment away!

Thank you.

The Cowboys Game...in 30 Seconds or Less

Let's just say, for fun, that you hid in our back room tonight during the Cowboy game. This is what you would have heard:

C'mon!! What were you thinking?

Go! Go! Go!

What? Give me a break!!

Not again...hold on to the football!!

Go, Crayton, go! Wahoo!!

Nathanael, don't hit the TV.

Folk...what is wrong with you?!??!

Stop them, stop them, stop...aw, man.

Yes!

You've got to stop them. You've got to...

C'mon Dallas! You can do it, just move that ball.

C'mon Folk, c'mon Folk...yes!!!!!!

Great, now just get into field goal range.

Okay, now hold 'em and get that ball back.

Watch out! They're gonna...I can't believe that just happened.

And of course, this is all my wife talking.

The Will of God (aka: What's for dinner?)

My friend Jeff just put up a new post today. It deals, in part, with his need to redefine his "calling" outside of the traditional church setting.

His blog got me to thinking, and I started to comment, but as I started typing, I realized I had too much to say and I should really just blog it.

--

Over the last couple of years, the Lord has been revealing to me that "doing the will of God" is quite often a small, or seemingly (to us) random thing. Sometimes we only seek His will for things like: Who do I marry? Do I take this job?

But if you look at the life of Jesus, you see it is made up of equal parts big and small events. Of course, he had a HUGE calling and destiny (to die for the sins of the world, etc.), but if you look at his life moment by moment, it's like this:

Jesus went here. Then he traveled there. Then he talked to this guy. Then he talked to that gal. Then he prayed. Then he went in a boat.

Even when the crowds were following him and he was performing miracles, afterwards when he pulled away with just the disciples, some of the most powerful words he spoke were spoken in that intimate setting.

One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 12:2-

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

That scripture has always blown my mind -- you mean we can "test and approve what God's will is"?  Wow.  But it starts with renewing your mind.

I've heard lots of people talk about "renewing your mind", and they are normally referring to keeping out the "bad stuff".  I agree with that - garbage in, garbage out.  But sometimes, I think some of our religious mindsets have to be renewed as well.

Sometimes people only put the "will of God" in a mystical, gigantic, major decision category.  But I think that God's will should effect everything in our lives.  We are all in "full time ministry", if you know what I mean.

Should I become a missionary?  Big decision, and certainly  part of determining God's will for my life.

Should I talk to my co-worker that's having a hard day?  Doesn't seem like that big of a decision...probably not going to change MY life.  But it could possibly change theirs.

I joking alternately titled this blog "What's for dinner?" That's a tongue in cheek way of saying if we only try to bring God into the BIG decisions, the MONUMENTAL decisions, I think we limit what God can do through us.

Praying about what shirt to wear today? Probably overkill. Asking for direction about who might need a phone call this week? Why not?

WOW!! Aaroneous Findings Reaches the Big 5-0!

Well, this is it, my 50th blog!  Others might wait for 100 to make a milestone, but not me!  Especially not with the rate I've been churning them out lately (SLOOOWWWWLLYYY).

For those of you who are my faithful readers (both of you), thank you very much!!  It is always nice to hear a "I read on your blog" or "that was cool when you said...".  One of those every once in a while makes it all worth it.

Anyway, I am going to be involved in a little side project.   Some friends and I are going to watch 50 "classic" movies and give our thoughts and recommendations about them.  The movies were filmed between the beginning of WWII and the present, and include no foreign language films.  We compiled our list using the Time Top 100 List, the AFI Top 100 List, and the IMDB Top 250 List. Every few weeks we will watch another movie, and then Kristen will post her thoughts (along with ours) on a new blog she's just created:

Silver Screen Sandwich

Hope you stop by sometime and see what's up with that!

(Pretty wimpy blog for number 50, huh?)

This Moment In History

Last month, my pastor asked if I would speak on an upcoming Sunday morning while he was gone to India.  Today is that Sunday, and I was honored to speak to our congregation this morning.  

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the encouraging words afterwards.

For those of you that are part of the congregation and may be reading this via my blog or Facebook (you know, you can link your blog into Facebook...that's cool...that's one of the reason's I switched), I would like to give a few "thank you"s by name.

Thanks to Kent and Ren for some especially encouraging words afterwords.  Thanks to Becky for jumping up and joining me in prayer with a family that was having a particularly hard time.  Thanks to Kristen, Chris, and Henry for the setup/technical assistance.

I know to most of it wasn't a "milestone service" or anything like, but to me, it was a special occasion because it was the first time I had gotten to share with my "Georgia family".

Love you all!

Gas Prices, Oil Prices, and the Media

To my loyal blog readers (both of you), my apologies. My rate-o'-blogging has decreased dramatically with my new job, and my injury at my new job (which, by the way, is mostly better now...thanks for asking).

(Aaron steps up onto soapbox.)

So here' what I'm talking about tonight: GAS PRICES and the MEDIA!!! (Yes, it has to be in CAPS, because that's the way they announce things.)

Wow. One of the media's favorite topics in Atlanta is gas prices. I am sure that it's the same other places, but I don't read the Tulsa Times (sorry Jeff). This past week, with Hurricane Ike coming in, they began to announce things like:

• Gas Prices May Climb to $5.00/gallon!!
• Georgia Only Has Three Day Supply of Fuel
• Texas Refineries Shutting Down Due to Approaching Hurricane
  

So what did people do? They went to the gas station as quickly as they could and filled up. Lots of people. And guess what, wouldn'tcha know...some stations ran out of gas. Gas stations took advantage of it and raised their prices some, also. Imagine that. Thing is, though, no one is doing any more driving this week than they would have. Why did everyone need that extra gas they just "had to have"?

True, there are some stations around with their pump handles covered, so some stations did run out of gas. Of course, about 2 miles away is a station with gas for $3.79...a whopping .15 more a gallon than before the "scare". Heck, even the media is blaming the media.

I just think it is crazy that if a person with a microphone says there' s a chance of something happening, everyone acts on it like it's fact. And, just because there's a chance it could happen, it's no reason to broadcast the worst-case scenario. It's a great way to start a self-fulfilling prophecy, though!

Below are some example headlines of what the media HAS said, along with things that the media COULD say, if they wanted...because they are just as true.

------------

Example 1:
Gas prices could soar above $5 per gallon with the effects of Hurricane Ike.

Alternative headline:
Miniature schnauzers could spontaneously combust if dipped in lighter fluid.

My take: I'm not gonna fill my car up, and I'm not going to trade my schnauzer in on a less combustible canine.

------------

Example 2:
With only a 3 day supply of fuel in Georgia, many stations could begin to run low.

Alternative headline:
With most grocery stores only carrying 10 pounds of bratwurst, a run on a particular store could cause a shortage.

My take: I'd be more worried about the bratwurst. You can never have too much bratwurst.

------------

Example 3:
Refined gas could possibly be in short supply due to damage to refineries in Texas from Ike.

Alternative headline:
The mullet could possibly be the next in retro look.

My take: Almost any statement can be made true if throw in the words "could possibly". As in, I "could possibly" quit listening to the media entirely if they keep saying stupid things like they did this weekend.

---------

(Aaron steps down off of soapbox.)

Which Reminds Me...

If you read my last post, you'll learn that there's a news feed in an elevator I ride in daily. Something I saw on it yesterday prompted my previous post. While typing that post, I was reminded of something else I saw on the screen in my elevator around Christmas.

(CNN) -- A CNN analysis of four common brands of Christmas lights shows levels of lead experts say are high enough to be dangerous to children.

Personally, I would be much more worried about the fact that kids were playing with the lights at all, than the fact that there are traces of lead in the paint. The last time I checked, electrocution tended to lead to death more quickly than lead poisoning. I dunno, maybe I've got it backwards...

Here's the article if you are concerned about your children chewing on lead painted lights.

I Must Confess...

My daily commute involves an elevator ride. In our elevator, we have a nice little 9" screen in the top left-hand corner by the door with a news feed running on it. Sports, current events, stock market stuff, etc. Sometimes it will just throw a quote up from a current new story. Yesterday, I saw this one:

It has been discovered in a small sample study that some toddler and preschool children have unusually high levels of chemical fire retardant in their blood. These elevated levels of the chemicals average three times higher than levels found in the blood of their mothers.

I must confess...when I first read it, I thought to myself, "Well, that's good. That means the children are 3 times LESS likely to combust than their mothers."

I really did.

Of course, even though I have this post categorized as "humor", it actually appears to be a serious problem. If you want to read about it, here's an article.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

(This is my contribution to a syncro-blog started by RobbyMac.)

It was the summer after my freshman year in college. That first year in college, I, like many freshmen, "got a little wild". But back home after the school year, I really began to try to figure out the whole "God" thing. I knew God existed, but didn't really have much of a grid of how to relate to Him.

So that summer I started attending my hometown Methodist Church. I joined the choir, and went every Sunday. Right at the end of summer, I was sitting in the choir loft off to the side looking out over the congregation, just watching the people as the pastor gave his sermon.

There were probably 75 people there. Near the front were the gray hair and bald heads crowd, half of which were nodding off. In the middle, there were a few middle aged couples. On the back couple of rows were the teenagers, mostly passing notes (this is before texting existed) and talking. Pretty much no one was paying any attention to what was being said.

As I sat there, I thought to myself, "God...if this is it...if this is what being a Christian is...I'm just wasting my time. I could have been working this morning and making some money."

Now, I did not hear the audible voice of God (which I always picture sounding like Charlton Heston), but deep in my heart, I heard a "No!". As in, "No, this is not all there is."

I left there thinking, "Okay, if this isn't all there is, that means there's something different. What is it?"

A few weeks later, school started back and I went back to my college town. This year, though, there were a couple of new freshmen. Actually, there were lots of new freshmen, but three in particular stood out. They were all friends from before college, but they welcomed me into their circle, and I started hanging out with them around school. I was a music major, so we spent lots of time together in the band hall, etc.

They seemed a little "different" to me. They didn't laugh at my vulgar jokes, but at the same time, they didn't berate me either. Apparently none of the drank either. Weird. A month or so into school, one of them, Mike, asked me to go to church with him on a Wednesday night. To his surprise, I said yes. So that night we went to Christ Is Life Church.

Hold on!! Something's different here. These people actually seem excited to be at church. Now that's just weird!

They played upbeat songs. They clapped and sang...some people even kinda danced a little jig. Near the end of the service, the pastor had everyone stand and asked everyone to raise their hands and pray with him. So I did. I wasn't religious enough to know I wasn't supposed to do that. During that Wednesdy night service, and specifically that prayer, God really began to change my heart. That was the moment that I saw there could be something different.

Since this is a syncro-blog, I won't go any further with my story, but this was definitely my first "charismatic" moment.

---------

Okay, I lied. Sorry. I am going to continue on with my story. Just one more thing.

A few months later, after I had jumped into spiritual life feet first, Mike and I were talking about something related to God or the Bible, and he said to me, "If someone had told me 3 months ago that we would be sitting here having this conversation, I never would have believed them. I was shocked when you went to church with me the first time and shocked when you went to that Carmen concert. On the outside, you didn't look interested at all."

I often use this story to encourage myself whenever I try to talk myself out of sharing with someone because "they wouldn't be interested", or "they aren't really ready to hear this."

As if I know what someone else's heart is ready to hear.

Google Chrome - Gotta Have It!

Today Google rolled out their next step in taking over the world:

Google Chrome!

It's a brand new (and extremely cool) web browser.  It has so many new features, I won't even begin to tell you about them all.  Don't wait.  Don't be the last one to do it.  Just go here and download it.

Then go here and watch the short (very well done) demonstration videos so you'll know how to take advantage of many of the cool features.

And if you are geeky, go here and read the comic about it.

The only negative I have found so far:  it doesn't support live bookmarks yet...

Big Announcement Today!

Well, today I was officially asked by my pastor to speak on Sunday, September 28th, while he is away in India. That's an incredible honor, and something I take very seriously.

It's funny. I've spoken in public, both in and out of the pulpit, more times than I can count. But there's something about a Sunday morning service that always really makes me do a gut check. I have this tremendous sense of responsibility.

I've pretty much gotten past the feelings of needing to impress anyone with my latest "heavy revvie" (that's "heavy revelation", a slang term for "deep theology" I use sometimes), my elocution, vocabulary, or my wit and humor. Now it really comes down to me not wanting to waste A) everyone's time, and B) the opportunity that God has given me. Here are "X" number of people, and I have about an hour to share something with them that hopefully will impact them in a positive way.

And when I speak to a new group, I always go through this process. First I think, "I'll pull out something I've taught in the past that seemed very effective/relevant (ie. popular)!" Kind of a "hit them with my best punch" idea. This usually lasts for about 2 minutes.

Then I think, "But wait, that'll probably come off stale. I need to speak from what I am personally going through right now. That way it'll be more from the gut." That lasts for about 6 minutes.

Then I always come back to, "I just need to pray about it."

It's funny, when I pray about it, sometimes I end up doing the former, sometimes the latter, and sometimes I get something totally new just for that specific occasion. Imagine that, God knowing better what to say to his people than me...

Better go. I've gotta go start reading the Bible and studying and stuff...

And Then...

After our day started kinda in the toilet, I went to work tonight! That was cool...

Until I slipped on the wet floor and fell. Hard.

So, I think I'll head back to the recliner now.

Fun Day

Well, this time, the title was sarcastic...

Today, my wife and son and I were cleaning up in the front yard: blowing leaves off the driveway, picking up some sticks, etc.

Fun Thing #1:
My wife noticed that my car (which i part on the street because our garage is a converted carport and can't hold both cars plus be storage) had been hit and my rear tail light assembly was broken. Drat! Looking on line, it looks like most of my first paycheck from the Hut will go to that.

Fun Thing #2:
Shortly after that, my son and I went in (he was getting nappy), and my wife decided that she was going to finish up just a bit. A few minutes later she came in calling for me to come help. I went into the kitchen to discover that she had uncovered a nest of wasps while raking leaves. Long story short: she was stung on the ear, lip, side, knee, and ankle. They were very painful. Thankfully, she is not allergic, so other than a little swelling and a lot of pain, she's fine.

What a fun day!

Something Serious for a Change

My friend Jeff has been blogging for the past several months. I read Jeff's blog religiously (haha...it can't all be serious with me writing it), because a) he's my friend, b) he's a good writer, c) he often makes some great points, d) it's interesting to see where this journey is taking him, and e) I figure if I read his, then he'll read mine and that will raise my visitor count. :)

A couple of Jeff's recent posts, this one and this one, have been in reference to the "Lakeland Revival". In case you haven't heard, you can read a summary article from Wikipedia (a reknown source for information) here.

The long and short is this: there are ongoing "revival" services at a particular church. Many said it was a modern-day move of God. Many were critical. Hundreds of thousands came to visit. Many claimed to be miraculously healed. Now, the leader of the "revival" has had to step down due to marital difficulties. Lots of people have strong opinions regarding this.

Me? It just makes me sad. Not just the leader stepping down, but the whole thing in general.

What I see is lots of money, lots of effort, and lots of time all thrown toward an event. I am sure that most, if not all, of the people involved were sincere. The same could probably be said for the people that attended. I would LOVE to see a huge revival/move of God sweep the nation and the world, but I just don't see it looking like what I've seen during this and other "moves". In my experience (and I have experienced two of the major ones in recent years), these "moves" always seems to be inward focused on the church.

A while back, Jeff tagged me as part of a syncro-blog, to write "A Manifesto for Church". My manifesto was simple. "Love God, love your neighbor." Like I said, simple, right?

For some reason, we struggle to do that. It seems to come out more like "Love church, love your congregation". We end up "doing" church instead of being "the church". I know that I am not by any means the first person to say that, but it just gets driven home more and more. We love a revival. We love the excitement of it. Jeff actually blogged about something similar today.

William D' Artega wrote a book called Quenching the Holy Spirit, and in it he talks about Phariseeism, and how it always tries to rear its ugly head. He basic premise is that "revivals" tend to progress through these stages:

1. God moves.
2. We think it's cool.
3. We try to reproduce it in our own power.
4. God quits moving the way He was.
5. We keep doing it anyway.
   

Subconsciously we think, "Okay, service was great today. Especially when we did this, this, and this." So, the next time in, we do this, this and this again, hoping for the same results. Sometimes I think that the problem is that the congregation also saw what happened when we did this, this, and this, so they've now learned the appropriate response. Before you know it, what was "fresh fire" has become going through the motions.

--

Well, enough of this complaining. Believe it or not, I am not down on the local church, or the church in general. I attend a local church. I love it. The pastor is great. The people are great. We strive to reach beyond the walls of our "church". Is it perfect? No. Do we still have to resist the tendency to become liturgical and religious, despite the fact that we are a very laid-back, non-traditional church? Yes. Do we do stupid stuff? Yes. Do we get right sometimes, too? Absolutely!

Now, am I a part of the "emergent church"? Probably. Am I part of the institution? Yes...and at the same time! Do I have all the answers? Of course not! I don't even have most of the answers!

But I know this: I want to love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love my neighbor as myself. So, there you have it.

The WWW - What An Incredible Time Saver!

(With a title like that, everyone will be reading this blog!!)

My wife and I were just discussing today about how convenient the wealth of information on the World Wide Web is in everyday life. No more phone books or encyclopedias! The world is at our fingertips.

Here's some examples of what I mean:

1. Look up the price of dimensional lumber at Home Depot - 4 minutes (Decided to check my email since I was already on the computer - 48 minutes (cats in clothes are so cute))


2. Needed a phone number for the IRS - 2 minutes (Checked my Facebook page to see if I had any new friends - 72 minutes)


3. Paid a bill online - 5 minutes (Clicked on ad on bank page...apparently, even though I am in a debt management plan right now, I can get a home loan for 100% with no money down - 17 minutes)


4. Checked my work calendar to make sure I don't have to be anywhere first thing in the morning - 1 minute (Hopped onto YouTube real quick - someone had told me about a really funny video involving yogurt, ostriches, and an oil filter wrench - 97 minutes)


5. Did a Google search wanting to read up on Michael Phelp's latest victories - 10 minutes (Instead, ended up reading about the history of the Olympics and the greatest medal Olympic champions of all times - 51 minutes)

See what I mean! A great timesaver!

They Raised the Minimum Wage!!

Effective July 24th, the minimum wage in the good ole U. S. of A. was raised from $5.85 an hour to $6.55 an hour. I, personally, am happy about that.

"Why?", you ask. (If you didn't ask, for the sake of this blog, let's pretend you did.)

"Because I now earn minimum wage!", I reply.

"Really? I thought you had a great paying tech job with a large, regional health care system!", you exlaim in surprise.

"I do", is my response, "but I also have lots of debt, so I picked up a second j0b to help dig ourselves out of the hole."

"Oh!! Now I understand", you state, with a nod of your head.


Apparently, at the pizza franchise that I work for (who shall remain nameless (just don't look at the picture)), the S.O.P. is to start all delivery drivers at minimum wage.

I am a delivery driver + I just started = I make minimum wage

My wife and I are on a fast track to try to destroy our debt. She is currently seeking employment and I have taken this second job. I no longer get a manicure every week, and I've also canceled my subscriptions to Teen Beat and O. More seriously, I am a Dave Ramsey fan, and I believe what the Bible says about debt and the problems that can go along with it, so we're trying to do everything we can.

Sidebar: I won't go into details about how we acquired our debt in this blog. Suffice it to say, if you need financial advice, call me and ask me if I have ever done whatever financial you are contemplating making. If I say, "Yes," then absolutely don't do it.

So...back to minimum wage. I'm making it! Plus $1.02 per delivery and whatever tips I can rake in.

Sidebar: The first time I worked at a pizza joint was 1989. Yes, that's almost 20 years ago. I'm aware of that fact. Back then, I started at minimum wage as well: $3.35 an hour.

The point of this is, that now that I am making $6.55 an hour at my second gig, I've suddenly have a different perspective on the money I spend. Allow me to elaborate.

• eating a combo meal at McDonald's: 1 hour of work
  
• going to the movies: 2.2 hours of work
  
• every tank of gas for my car: 9 hours of work
• buying a new pair (of relatively inexpensive) shoes: 10 hours of work
  
• watching UFC 90 on PPV: 11 hours of work
  

That makes me think before I buy that $1.49 drink at the gas station. (I still buy it, but it makes me think first.)

Terror-In-A-Can Part V

Well, if you are just now joining us, ignore this post and wait for the next one, or start back on Part I. Alternatively, ignore my instructions and read on!


Coming soon to a theater near you: The Mine!!

Here's where I'm going to take my 4 previous posts, and in (literally) the time it takes me to type it, write a modern day horror movie. Here we go:

From Part I, we have the steps of how to do this. Steps 1 through 4 are as follows:

1. Pick your setting: An old mountain cabin that just happens to be near an abandoned mine shaft.
   
2. Pick a villain: Jacob Johnson, former miner from back in the day.
   
3. Determine why/how your villain exists: Jacob discovered that was radioactive ore in the mines. When he tried to bring it to public, the bossman threw him down a shaft to his death (or so they thought). He still thirsts for justice. (Don't forget to squeeze in a way to explain this.)
   
4. Pick your victim group: A group of college kids getting away for the weekend. Two couples: Sue & Jim, Bob & Peg.

Wow! That was easy. (Props to Bob (not the character in the movie, my real-life friend)) for the idea of using a mine.

Step #5 is to pick out several Stock Scenes. I've listed the choices below. Add a little filler, and you have a movie.

Stock Scenes:

1. The False Reveal
2. The Walk By
3. The Peak
4. The Marco Polo
5. Weapon, Weapon, Who's Got the Weapon?
6. The Marathon
7. The Not Quite Dead Yet

The group arrives and checks out the cabin. While they are all unpacking and checking out the cabin, (#3) we switch from 3rd person view to 1st person of someone looking in the window watching the frivolity and the couples kissing/horsing around a bit. Filler goes on for a bit, then later that evening, Jim invites Sue to "go for a walk"...at night.

They grab a flashlight and head out. Jim, being the funny guy that he is, turns off the flashlight and hides from Sue. She begins to look for him. (#4) "Jim...where are you, Jim?" You get the idea. It's a fairly moonlit night, and Sue stumbles upon the entrance to a mine. Huh? Whattya know? A mine. Here. The mine is mostly sealed up, but there is a door, and the lock appears to be broken. She thinks she hears something from inside the door and knows it must be Jim hiding from her. (#4) "Jim, quit fooling around, I know it's you."

(#3) We see Sue from a 1st person view through some cracks in the boards used to wall up the mine entrance as she walks towards the door. She opens the door and WHAM!!(#1) Nothing! Whew!! Sue turns around and WHAM!! There's Jim. Haha! Jim's so funny! At least he thinks so. They both turn arm in arm to go back to the cabin and WHAM!! There's Jacob the radioactive but not-quite-dead miner. Jim immediately meets his end. Sue takes off running (#6) back to the cabin. She manages to leave the flashlight (#5). She looks back and see Jacob heading after her. She keeps running. She looks back. Yep, Jacob's still there. She puts her head down and really takes off. She looks back...he's gone! She turns back around and WHAM!! There he is. Two Victims down.

Back at the cabin, Bob and Peg have continued their frolicking. We get a brief glimpse (#3) through a window, and then we are inside with them.

"Where have Jim and Sue gotten off to?", one of them wonders. This is usually done by whichever one has previously been established as being the "level-headed" one.

"I don't know and don't care" is the reply of the "irresponsible-party" one replies.

After a suitable amount of time (filler), and a few more Stock Scenes, our intrepid duo grabs another flashlight and head out looking for Jim and Sue. They find just enough evidence to lead them to the mine (where Jacob has hidden their friend's bodies, of course). They enter the mine in spite of the obvious stupidity of it. As they are walking down the mineshaft away from the camera, WHAM!! (#2), Jacob crosses right in front of the camera. The both spin around, and of course just see some dust moving.

Bob tells Peg to be careful, that the old mining cart they found may not be safe (foreshadowing is also important in any movie). After a few more WHAM!!s, Jacob the miner has Bob and is about to do him in. Peg runs back to the aforementioned mining cart and manages to release the brake. It rolls down the tracks, Bob jumps out of the way just in time, and Jacob gets knocked off into a bottomless (not really) mineshaft and everyone is safe.

Peg runs over to Bob and helps him up. They hug. Peg reaches down and picks up the dropped flashlight (#5). As she stands back up, WHAM!! (#7) A hand comes up over the edge of the drop-off and grabs Bob's leg. At this point, Bob's fate is determined solely by the director. Let's just say for our little story he kicks at Jacob's hand a few times and they escape.

THE END


This completes step #6, which was to type a rough outline of the movie.

Now I just need to do step #7: film it.

Terror-In-A-Can Part IV

This is the 4th (and penultimate) blog in a series that I have done around the little joke that all modern horror movies are pretty much cut from the same mold. You can start back with Part I here if you want. Or you can catch up with Part II or Part III.

This blog will cover Stock Scenes #4 and #5, known respectively as , the Marco Polo, and Weapon, Weapon, Who's Got a Weapon?


Stock Scene #4: The Marco Polo

Who hasn't played Marco Polo in a pool as a kid growing up? One person is "it", and closes their eyes and says, "Marco!". Everyone else is supposed to respond with a hearty, "Polo!" Then the "it" person attempts to catch someone by sound alone.

In the modern horror movie, it plays out this way. The Victim, let's say a young girl, steps out onto the front porch...at night. "Johnny? Johnny...where are you? Quit playing around Johnny. Johnny? Is that you?"

You get the picture. Eventually, either A) Johnny jumps out and scares her and everyone laughs, or B) another friend jumps out and scares her and everyone laughs, or C) The Villain jumps out, scares her and...well you know how this usually ends.


Stock Scene #5: Weapon, Weapon, Who's Got a Weapon?

This is a simple rule of modern horror movie making: if a Victim has a weapon, he/she must be separated from it at the worst possible moment. This also applies to any light source.



That gives us Stock Scenes #4 and #5. I'm going to plow ahead and wrap the scenes!



Stock Scene #6: The Marathon

You are correct. You guessed it. The running scene. To keep it simple, this is where the Victim is running from the Villain. This usually ends similarly to Stock Scene #4. The Victim is running, running, running...the Villain is behind them (usually walking, but managing to keep up somehow), running, running, running...the Villain is behind them...running, running...the Villain is in front of them!! Or, it could be a friend. Either way, you get a nice, good startle out of it.


Stock Scene #7: The Not Quite Dead
This scene is really in two parts. You kill them, everyone's finally safe...and then BAM!! They jump back up. They keep on coming back like a bad rash. So the Victim usually has to dispatch of them at least one more time.

Every great Villain is notoriously hard to kill. That's because of one reason: sequels. Why go through the trouble of reinventing the wheel when you can just bring the Villain back to life and feed another set of Victims through the wringer? It saves time and money.


Next time: the Movie!!

Terror-In-A-Can Part III

Alright, if you are just catching up, you probably want to read Part I and Part II of this blog series. If you do, this blog will probably make more sense. Alright, as promised, here come stock scenes #2 and #3.


Stock Scene #2: The Walk By (or Pass By)

The walk by is a simple scene. It typically goes something like this. The Victim comes out into a hall and starts walking away from the camera. Suddenly, and without warning, and in all other ways unexpectedly, someone/thing Walks By in front of the camera. Most of the time I have found it to be from right to left, but I think that left to right is almost as effective.

The director has two choices at this point. He can either just plow on, or, alternatively, he can have the Victim spin around, as if he/she heard the Villain passing by. Of course, the Victim won't see the Villain, but there may be signs of the Villain's passage: a fluttering curtain, something rolling on the floor, a door closing, etc.

This usually happens 2.7 times in a movie. Some movies will use it more extensively, depending on the Villain, and how secretive the Villain's true identity is.

Now, this doesn't always take place in a hallway. It could be an open doorway. Between two buildings. A myriad of places. This is all dependent on the setting that you pick in Step 1 of Part I.

This can be incorporated easily with Stock Scene #1. The Victim does a False Reveal at a window, then as the Victim turns back to the camera, and you throw in a quick Walk By. Very effective for that "double-bump".


Stock Scene #3: The Peak

The Peak is the classic Stock Scene where the Villain "Peaks" at the Victim. The camera perspective switches quickly from a 3rd person view, to the 1st person view of the Villain. Common places this happens are: the shower, while a couple is making out, and swimming (assuming there is skinny-dipping involved). Notice a theme there? I never said that modern horror movie makers had any couth. Looking through a keyhole is popular choice.

Another common place for this to occur is anywhere that is "lair-like", meaning, the Villain's Lair. For example, the Victim goes down into the basement (which we all know is secretly the Villain's hide-away), and suddenly the camera switches angles, and we are viewing the Victim from behind some old shelves, or through an A/C grill...you get the picture.


Expect to see both of these Stock Scenes in any horror movie made since 1980.

Next time, Stock Scenes #4 and #5, known respectively as , the Marco Polo, and Weapon, Weapon, Who's Got a Weapon?

Terror-In-A-Can Part II

Here we are...part II of a multi-part blog. If you've neglected to read the first part, you really oughtta. Not because it is life-changing or anything, it just doesn't make sense to read part II before you read part I.

These next couple of blogs will involve the "stock scenes" I mentioned in part I. These are the scenes that always pop up in modern horror flicks. For explanation's sake, I will refer to the bad guy as "The Villain", and any of his victims as "The Victim". Clever, huh? These scenes are in no particular order, other than the order that I type them.


Stock Scene #1: The False Reveal

This scene goes something like this. One of the victims hears something in another room, outside the window, etc. The slowly walk to the door/window as the creepy violin music ramps up. The grab the door/window and...open it to reveal nothing. Whew!! They narrowly escaped some terrible demise.

Some amateurish movies will stop here. However, the pros will add what I call the "double-bump". That goes like this: Once the False Reveal happens, and the victim laughs to themselves, the turn around and...BAM!!! There is something/one behind them! Now depending on the movie maker's choice one of the following 3 things will be behind them.

1. The Villain - of course, that means that the Victim is now dead.
2. Another Victim - and they both laugh or one slaps the other and says "Johnny!! Why are you always sneaking around." - something like that.
3. The Villain Unrevealed - this is the mastercraftsman's choice. It's the old caretaker, or the neighbor, or someone other than a Victim. Now, you know he's the Villain, but the Victim doesn't, and for some reason the Villain is not ready to do his dirty work.

I'm calling this Stock Scene #1. Keep a look out for it in a horror flick near you. (Though I am not encouraging you to watch lame horror flicks.)

Next time we'll tackle scene #2, The Walk By, and scene #3, The Peak.

Terror-In-A-Can Part I

I'm not a fan of the modern horror movie genre. I've seen my fair share. Don't care for them much. They are an entirely different breed from the old school monster movies from back in the day (did you like how I juxtaposed the mentioning of classical movies with modern day slang? Cool, huh?)

I've decided that it's not the blood-and-guts (even though that's not good). It's not the bad acting. It's not even the fact that their entire purpose is to put fear into the viewer (which, spiritually speaking, is generally considered a bad thing).

(Did I mention I like Facebook better than MySpace?)

No, the problem is their predictability. Here is my hypothesis:

98.6% of modern horror movies are a loose plot with stale characters, on which a series of "stock scenes" are hung.

To prove my point. Here's how to make your own horror movie (if you are interested).

1. Pick your setting. I recommend doing this first because it makes steps #2 and #4 easier. A spooky and/or creepy location is preferred. Or, at times, an everyday location can be effective because of the juxtaposition of horror with everyday life. Your choice.
2. Pick a villain. The villain should somehow relate to #1, the location. It would be somewhat silly to have a killer scarecrow haunting a space station. No wait...I think I've seen that one.
3. Determine why/how your villain exists. Was he created by an experiment gone wrong? Maybe he was unjustly murdered. Was he (or she) the victim of a bizarre electrolysis accident? Did someone build something on top of his/her graveyard/burialground/tomb? You get the idea.
4. Pick your victim group. Group of teenagers? Average family (with at least one cute kid)? Stranded travelers or vacationers? Just moved into town? Again, this should probably relate to #1.
5. Select several scenes from the stock set of horror movie scenes (to be detailed in upcoming blogs). This step is totally independent of steps #1 - #4. It doesn't matter if the setting is a farm town or an urban mall. The scenes are all the same.
   
6. Type a rough outline of points #1 - #5.
7. Film the movie.

I believe it's that simple. Tune in next time, where we will discuss the first of the "stock scenes".

Bonus thought:
I used the phrase "tune in next time" in the previous sentence. I wonder if in ten years teenagers will even understand where that phrase came from, or even what it means? There will be no analog television. Most will listen to music on iPods, the internet, or satellite radio, so there will be no radios to tune. In their day-to-day lives, there will be no "tuning" involved (unless they play the clarinet). I'm old enough to remember really tuning our TV. For the UHF channels (that's the higher numbers, for you young'uns out there), you actually turned a dial on the TV to hone in on a particular channel.

Just thinking.

MySpace Is Out - Facebook Is In

Okay, okay. I know that MySpace and Facebook are old news, but I just created a Facebook page, and it's cool. Not my page specifically, but Facebook itself.

Did you know that you can link to your blog from Facebook. It will automatically pull your blog into your Facebook page. Myspace won't do that (not that I can figure out). It has a wonderful photo uploading tool, and just works well in general.

Check out what RhettandLink think about it:



So, for those of you who have been catching up with me on MySpace...

Sorry! I'm phasing it out. It's dead to me.

Helen, GA - Mark II

My last post was a small little thing...but it yielded what I think is the funniest comment on my blog to date. Please enjoy:

You know...the pictures of your vacation looked so nice, I really thought I should visit there.
But unfortunately Tonya is working and wouldn't be able to go.
So I said "Tonya, I'm thinking about visiting Helen."
"What?" she said. "Who's Helen?"
"Helen's in Georgia," I said. "Would you be willing to run the store for a few days while I go there?"
"To Georgia?" she said.
"Yeah," I said.
"To visit Helen?" she said.
"Exactly!" I said, happy that she finally understood.

I need a place to stay. For some strange reason she's upset with me.

I have a comment on my blog from an internationally published author!