TV Still Surprises Me

"Fictionalization.  Do not attempt."


That's the small text in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen.  Just those four words.  You may have seen this commercial but not noticed the text.  It's on one Blockbuster's new "Why wait 28 days for new releases?" commercials.


These are the ones where Blockbuster is attempting to compete with Redbox by bringing up the fact that you have to wait four weeks to get certain movies at a Redbox.  You know the one...it's the one where the guy gets bitten by a raccoon.  The raccoon hangs on his arm as he goes to the emergency room, where he is told that he will have to wait 28 days to be seen.


That's when the words appear:


"Fictionalization.  Do not attempt."


Really?  Really?!?


There's this squirrel that lives by my storage building, and I was thinking it would be fun to let it latch on my arm...

Good thing they warned me.

It's a Quiz

One of my favorite bloggers, Misfit in Paradise, tagged me with this task. The task is to answer 10 questions presented to me, then tag 5 other people to answer 10 new questions. Sadly, I don't really have 5 other blogger friends, but I may (or may not) tag a few people in Facebook (since this will end up there as well).

1. (My old standby) You can invite 3 people to dinner. They can be from the past, present, or future. Who are they? C.S. Lewis, Axel Rose, Jesus

2. Why did you start a blog? (Blatantly stolen from Strawberry Jam Anne) I like to write, but I am usually too lazy. I thought a blog might require writing in small enough chunks that I would actually do it. And I crack myself up sometimes, and wanted to share it.

3. Monkeys, llamas, or horses? Yes.

4. Comedies or poignant dramas? Definitely comedies. I'm too much of a crier.

5. Do you have siblings? What kind (brothers, sisters, evil aliens)? If yes, where do you fit in the lineup? I am the youngest of three siblings (by 7 years). If you've been reading my blog for a while, you probably already know that my oldest sister passed away last December after a year and a half fight with lung cancer. She was a incredible person. My "middle" sister is one of the most compassionate, kind, and sweetest (and goofiest) people I've ever met.

6. Besides me, who is your favorite author? What book? C.S. Lewis - Perelandra

7. Are you a Gleek? Unfortunately.

8. Do you have any You Tube subscriptions? If yes, what? RhettandLink (great internetainers), Pomplamoose (very inventive musicians)

9. Inside? Outside? Country? City? Summer - inside, winter - outside, country - living, city - vacationing.

10. Paper, plastic, or bring your own? Bring our own.

Wow! A First...

Well, for the first time I'm actually blogging from a Starbuck's...am I finally hip now or what? Blogging, AND doing it in PUBLIC. Man, I am cool.

So...what to blog about...let's see...something profound...life-changing...

Oh! I know!

Now, that's a porta-potty!

Google vs. Bing

Bing

Maybe you've heard of it. If you're like me, you've seen all the commercials about Microsoft's new search engine. Oh wait, my bad, it's Microsoft's new DECISION engine. Big difference, right?

Well, for someone like me that uses Google multiple times a day, if there's something better out there, I want to know. So I thought I would put Bing to a little test. Better yet, how about a head to head competition with Google? Sound fun? Okay, maybe not fun, but maybe interesting enough for you to keep reading.

I've taken a few random items, plugged them into both search engines, and evaluated the results. Here we go!

1) 23rd president of the united states

Google returned the Wiki article first and a Wiki list of presidents second. Third was some website called "presidentsusa.net". Fourth was a link to the official site for the president.

Bing returned the "presidentusa.net" website first, then followed up with the Wiki article. It's third link was to a biography page about President Harrison on the website for Harrison Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. (This site was 5th on Google.) Fourth site for Bing? Amazon.com.

I'm going to give this one to Google, but just by a margin.

Score: Google - 1 / Bing - 0



2) Aquada (a really cool amphibious car)

This one was pretty much a wash, so I'm giving them both a point.

Score: Google - 2 / Bing - 1



3) Serenity (a pretty good sci-fi movie)

Okay, this was weird. Almost the exact same results.

Score: Google - 3 / Bing - 2



4) Eisley calendar (a great band, who I happen to know personally)

Well, Google's first link was "Eisley fan's journal - calendar", I didn't see that link at all on Bing. I thought Google had won a clean win. However, when I clicked on the link I found that the website hadn't been updated since 2004. Oops.

Score: Google - 3 / Bing - 3

5) Aaroneous Findings (you've got to do the vanity search)

Google, without a doubt, won this one. The actual address of my blog didn't even appear on the results on Bing. Google? Top of the list.

Final score: Google - 4 / Bing - 3

Google wins!


That being said, Bing does have a couple of cool features. The travel feature that they tout on the commercials is actually pretty cool. Is that enough for me to change search engines? Nope.

Plus, saying that you are "googling" something when you are searching the net sounds so much better than "binging".

A Little Test

A few months ago, I mentioned comic books in one of my posts, and how I've always been a fan. These days, it's okay to like superheros. In fact, a huge portion of the movie industry is now geared around that. It's no secret that the Spiderman, X-Men (Wolverine), Iron Man, and the most recent two Batman movies have been big hits.

So, with superheroes taking on a even bigger role in popular culture, I thought I would do a little quiz. In the first list, tell me the real name of the superhero. The second list, do just the opposite. Which superhero is it? I'll try take make each list start easy and get harder. That way you can gauge your level of geek-ness. I've also made sure that they've all appeared in movies. So, it's possible to know them all and to have never read a single comic. Here we go!


1. Superman
2. Spiderman
3. Daredevil
4. Ghost Rider
5. Beast

Bonus 1: Magneto

-----

A. Bruce Wayne
B. Bruce Banner
C. Tony Stark
D. Johnny Storm
E. Scott Summers

Bonus 2: Wade Wilson


Have fun. I expect only a small percentage of people to get them all (without the help of Google, of course).

One of My Favorites

Last weekend while I was delivering pizza for the Hut, I took this picture. That's my cool ride. This is one of my favorite places to park when I deliver to this area.

Mwahahaaa!

I Saw a UDO!

Unidentified Driving Object.

That's what I saw yesterday while delivering pizza. It was a fully enclosed motorcycle driving down the street. It was one of the coolest looking things. It went by quickly, so I wasn't able to get a picture. Then, I took another delivery in the same area about an hour later and...there it was again! This time I managed to snap a photo with my phone through the window of the van.

It actually stopped at a stop sign directly in front of me and answered my fundamental question. Why doesn't it fall over? When it stops, two wheels (like training wheels) lower from the sides. In my (blurry) photo you can see the wheel hasn't lifted yet as it took off.

It took about 10 seconds on Google to find it. It's called the Monotracer. If you are interested in stuff like this, here's their website.

Steve Martin, Martin Short, Chevy Chase

I worked in a video store when I was 18. One day a 10 year-old hispanic child walked in with his grandmother. They walked up to the counter. He translated:

Excuse me, sir, do you have The Three Friends?

You mean The Three Amigos?

Yes, The Three Friends. Do you have it?

The Three Amigos? Yes, we have it.

Right, The Three Friends. You have it?

Yes. It's called The Three Amigos.

The Three Friends?

(Pause)

Yes, we have The Three Friends. It's in the comedy section.

I've Said It Before

Kiefer Sutherland is possibly in a little bit of trouble.

The bizarre case took place at a costume gala afterparty at New York's SubMercer bar, where Sutherland reportedly saw fashion designer Jack McCollough knock over Brooke Shields. When Sutherland asked the Proenza Schouler designer to apologize and was pushed instead, Sutherland reportedly headbutted McCollough, breaking his nose.

If I've said it once, I've said it a dozen times:

Don't mess with Jack Bauer.

It's Been A While

Wow! I haven't posted since the other day. My family was gone to Texas for two weeks, and I kept myself pretty busy with "honey-do"s. Since they returned on Saturday we've just been playing catch-up.

So, if you have wondered if I had fallen off the face of the earth, the answer is no. First of all, it has been proven that the world is, in fact, round, and therefore has no face from which to fall. Secondly, I promised the other day to only post if I had something to say. Truthfully, I've been so busy I haven't had time to think about anything to say.

That being said, I have a few things I will probably be posting about in the next little bit.

1) Labels

2) Dreams

3) Other stuff

See you soon.

A Little Dancing Never Hurts

This morning, shortly after my 2 year-old received his Easter basket with a toy race car, some candy, and a lot of fake grass...

My son: Dad, I made a mess.

Me: Really? What did you do?

Son: I put da grass all over da floor in da livin room.

Me: You did?

Son: Uh huh. And I danced on it a little bit.

Confession is good for the soul.

Blogging

Due to the length of my last post, I thought it important to let everyone know that, generally speaking, blog posts shouldn't be overly long.

Life on the Hut Line Part III

Another of my favorite calls. Check out the rest of my Hut themed posts here. This one is almost word for word how it actually happened.

Me: Thanks for calling Pizza Hut/Wing Street. This is Aaron, will this be for delivery or carryout?

Caller: Yeah...uhh...what's your best special?

Me: We have our Pizza Mia Deal. That's 3 or more single topping medium hand-tossed pizzas with our special Old World sauce and two types of cheese for only $5 each.

Caller: That sounds good. I'll have two Pizza Mias...

Me: I'm sorry, sir...you have to order 3 or more to get the special rate. Otherwise they are $6.99 regular price.

Caller: Oh...in that case, give me 3 Pizza Mias.

Me: Okay, great! What would you like on the first one?

Caller: Uhh...make the first one pan crust...

Me: I apologize, sir...the Mia only comes on a hand-tossed crust.

Caller: Oh...yeah...okay.

Me: What topping would you like on the first one?

Caller: Uhh...pepperoni.

Me: And your second one?

Caller: Hamburger...can you make that one a large?

Me: Sorry sir...

Answer: T = 2Q * (P/12)

Question: How much should you tip a pizza delivery guy?

As most of you know, I deliver pizza part-time. In fact, it has been the subject of a few posts, so I made its own label in my blog: The Hut.

I've been asked several times what the appropriate tip for a pizza delivery driver is. The answer is simple. You just take the average price of the pizza, divide it by twelve, multiply by a factor of two, then multiple that result times the number of pizzas you ordered. Simple, right? You can even express it as a formula:

T = 2Q * (P/12)

Where T = tip, Q = quantity of pizzas, P = average price of pizzas.

For example, if you order 2 medium pizzas that cost an average of $11 dollars each the tip would be $3.67. The simple application of this formula will always result in the correct tip. I suggest you write this down on a post-it note and put it by the front door. There it will always be handy for the when the delivery man arrives.

Or, another option is...you could just tip 15%.

Life on the Hut Line Part II

Part I is available here if you want to catch up.


Me: Thanks for calling Pizza Hut/Wing Street. This is Aaron, will this be for delivery or carryout?

Caller: Delivery. I want a...

Me: Sir? (Attempting to interrupt)

Caller: ...large hand-tossed...

Me: Sir? (Attempting to interrupt again)

Caller: Yes?

Me: Can I get your phone number please?

Caller: Sure. It is 770-555-1793. And I want a...

Me: Sir?

Caller: Yes?

Me: Can I also get your address please?

Caller: Sure. It's 505...Ridge Lane...Mableton...30126. Now, I want a large...

Me: Sir?

Caller: ...hand-tossed...

Me: Sir?

Caller: ...pepperoni pizza with extra black-olives...

Me: Sir?

Caller: ...only on half. Can you do that, put extra olives on half?

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but...

Caller: That's okay, I'll just get two mediums...

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but...

Caller: ...one with extra olives, one without...

Me: Sir!!

Caller: Yes?

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but we don't deliver to your area. Here' the number of our Mableton store...

Life on the Hut Line

As a delivery driver for the Hut, one of my duties is answering the phone. It never fails that at least one call every night goes thusly...

Me: Thanks for calling Pizza Hut/Wing Street. This is Aaron, will this be for delivery or carryout?

Caller: Yeah...uhhh...what specials do you have?

Me: We have our Pizza Mia deal. You can get 3 or more medium 1 topping hand-tossed pizzas for $5 each.

Caller: Any other specials?

Me: Well, you can get 2 medium, 1 topping pizzas and 10 wings for $21.99, or you can get 2 medium, 1 topping pizzas, breadsticks, and chocolate dunkers for $19.99.

Caller: Uhhh...

Me: How many people are you buying for?

Caller: Uhhh...just me.

Me: Okay. We also have our personal pan combo. It's a personal pan pizza, salad and a drink.

Caller: Umm...that's okay. I've got a coupon here for an $8.99 medium pizza...I'll just use it.

Just For Fun

Below are a couple of my favorite movie quotes. I like some pretty random movies, so see how many of them you know:

1) One too many hits with the snake...

2) Uh...don't correct me, it sickens me.

3) It's not my fault I'm the biggest and the strongest...I don't even exercise.

4) See how the door was a little sticky...I'll get one of my guys to take a look at that.

5) Oh, I'm not with these fellas. I've got a pig over in the livestock competition, and I'm gonna win that blue ribbon.

6) Stand up Scout. Why? You're daddy's passing by.

7) We named the dog Indiana.

8) It's such a fine line between clever and...stupid.

9) Solo for the President!!

10) It's the same model the CIA used to fake the moon landing.

Like I said...random. I typed them the way I remembered them, so forgive me if I misquoted something.

To see the answers, select the area between here:

1) Aladdin
2) Mystery Men
3) Princess Bride
4) Galaxy Quest
5) That Thing You Do
6) To Kill A Mockingbird
7) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
8) This Is Spinal Tap
9) Annie!
10) Sneakers

and here.

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

As many of you may know, I deliver pizza as a second job. You can learn a lot about people by delivering them pizza.

• Some people answer the door while on the phone, never look you in the eye, say not one word, hand you the money, take the pizza, and close the door.
• A LOT of people don't turn their porch light on, then when they realize that they haven't they apologize.
• Most people don't seem to realize that if I stand there for 5 minutes waiting for them to find their money that they just A) potentially made someone else's pizza late and B) cost me money.
• Alert to customers: I usually don't carry change for $100...sorry. Especially when your order is $11.45.
• Teenagers don't tip. In fact, they usually want the exact change. To the penny.
• 1 out of 10 houses either have A) mailbox numbers you can't read, B) mailboxes with missing numbers, or C) have NO mailbox at all...and this fact does not seem noteworthy to people when they place their order.

So last night I had a couple of interesting experiences:

First:
I delivered a medium pizza to a woman. Her total was $14.30. When she opened the door, she handed me the coupon she had used, a $20 bill, and said "keep the change". Think about that for a second. She went through the trouble to use a coupon to lower the price a couple of bucks, and STILL gave me the entire twenty. Very thoughtful.

Second:
I was trying to deliver a pizza to a lady who lives in a particularly difficult apartment complex to deliver to. (I won't bore you with why it is difficult.) The instructions on the ticket said, "TELL DELIVERY DRIVER TO CALL WHEN HE ARRIVES." So I did...about 5 times. I then called the Hut, and asked them to call her.

She immediately answered and told the person them, "Oh...I saw his calls coming in, but I didn't recognize the number."

What? She must have thought every delivery driver was issued a special "Pizza Hut Cell Phone", so when we call customers it shows Pizza Hut on the caller ID. Sheesh!

Some Things I've Learned

I'm approaching my 40th, and there are a few things I've learned over the years:


1) When something says "one size fits all", it is sometimes false.

2) If your dad is carrying some 20' long pieces of steel rebar and tells you to back up, you really should.

3) If you turn off a 5 hp water pump by flipping a kill switch with your bare hand, while standing ankle deep in water, it will hurt...bad.

4) If you ever have to change your clothes in a car, don't try to jump out and pull your pants up at the same time...it usually won't go well.

5) In elementary school, don't ever make fun of another kid's name if your name starts with "but".

6) Don't try to throw a watch across a pond.

Impossible? Maybe...maybe not!

I'm re-re-re-reading a favorite old book of mine. After reading it several times over the years, something just jumped out at me last night.

In the story, a commander has just force marched his army for miles and miles to meet the enemy. When they finally finished the march, one of the commander's friends said to him that when they had started, he thought the march would be impossible.

"Why didn't you say something before we started?" the commander asked.

"Ahh, my friend, everything that is not attempted is impossible," his friend replied.

It got me thinking. How many things in our life are impossible simply because we don't attempt them? What impossible thing could I do if I just attempted it?

Get in shape?

Live out of debt?

Raise sane kids in a crazy world?