TV Still Surprises Me

"Fictionalization.  Do not attempt."


That's the small text in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen.  Just those four words.  You may have seen this commercial but not noticed the text.  It's on one Blockbuster's new "Why wait 28 days for new releases?" commercials.


These are the ones where Blockbuster is attempting to compete with Redbox by bringing up the fact that you have to wait four weeks to get certain movies at a Redbox.  You know the one...it's the one where the guy gets bitten by a raccoon.  The raccoon hangs on his arm as he goes to the emergency room, where he is told that he will have to wait 28 days to be seen.


That's when the words appear:


"Fictionalization.  Do not attempt."


Really?  Really?!?


There's this squirrel that lives by my storage building, and I was thinking it would be fun to let it latch on my arm...

Good thing they warned me.

Redneck Sledding

Last night, in case you haven't heard, Georgia was covered with a blanket of beautiful white snow.  At Casa de Butler, we personally got 5+ inches.  It's awesome.

Today happens to be one of my regular exercise days.  The sidewalks are ice.  The gym is my normal bad weather option, but the roads are "officially unsafe", so I didn't feel like I could really head down there either.  So...options?  It's obvious, isn't it?

I put on my cold weather gear and headed outside to run in the snow in my yard.  Because of my habit of wearing shorts year-round, you may find yourself surprised that I own "cold weather gear".   Well, I do.  Here's the breakdown of my sub-arctic wardrobe:

• ski-mask (a gift from my wife)
• knit gloves (not the best for snow, but they help a little)
• long sleeve t-shirt (I got if for doing the Gobble Jog 5k)
• sleeveless t-shirt (custom, it originally had sleeves)
• Captain America Wal-mart hoodie (only for when it is sub-0 and I am going to be outside for an extended time)
• sweat pants (hand-me-downs from my buddy Don)
• tennis shoes covered with 1 gallon Ziploc bags, held in place with duct tape

I was absolutely toasty!

I headed out in the yard and started running around the yard.  It was hard work!  The snow had a nice 1/2" crust on the top that I had to break through.  I had run while it WAS snowing, but it was the first time I had ever run IN the snow.

I was only out there a few minutes when my son joined me.  We grabbed a big Rubbermaid tub, tied a tow rope around it, and BAM!  Redneck sled.  I drug him all over the yard.  The only problem was that the bottom of the tub didn't have quite enough surface area, so unless I pulled up as well as forward, the front of the tub would break through the ice and our sled turned into an ice-breaker.  That led to him getting dumped out on any corner.  

This just confirms that winter weather is the best weather ever!

Quick Weight Loss Secrets

Would you like to lose 5 lbs a week, each and every week, until you reach your goal?  With no expensive meals, supplements or videos to buy?  No gym membership required?  Do you want a workout plan that's all plan and no work?  A plan that let's you eat what you want and not change your activity level and STILL lose all the weight you want?

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist.  But on the flip-side, there is a super simple 2-step plan that works every time.

1)  Eat less
2)  Be more active

That's the plan I've been on for the past month and a half, and it's working great.  But, like many simple things in life, simple doesn't necessarily mean easy.

---

If you're struggling to do one of these two simple steps, allow me to make a suggestion.  Pick one step.  Pick the one that is the most difficult for you.  Now, decide right now one thing you are going to do to take a step in the right direction for that step.  Here are some examples.

Eat a healthy breakfast.
Park further from your office.
Don't drink your afternoon Dr. Pepper.
Go for a walk after dinner.
Don't have seconds at dinner.
Shoot some hoops.
Turn off the TV.

Take a step in the right direction, and let me know how it goes!

Top 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To

For those of you that have never been extremely overweight, you may have a hard time relating to this list.  For those of you that either are (or have been) overweight, then I imagine you'll know from whence I am coming.

When I near my weight-loss goal, the top 10 things I am looking forward to are:

1. Going to a concert/sporting event, and being able to buy a t-shirt.
2. People not assuming I want their extra food.
3. Not having to evaluate all the chairs in a room to determine which chair is most likely NOT to fail when I sit on it.
4. Not feeling sorry for people that sit next to me on an airplane.
5. Clothes shopping at a store with neither Big nor Tall in the name.
6. Not even noticing if my current route involves stairs.
7. Eating ice cream in public without feeling like people are judging me.  (Please, no crunchies in my smoothies.)
8. Never searching for the "maximum load" sticker on a ladder before climbing up it.
9. Making the statement "one size fits all" true for me personally.
10. Riding any ride I want at Six Flags.  (Sometimes I think they need to add a "You must be this narrow to ride" sign in addition to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign.  Ask me about the Batman ride at Astroworld sometime.)

What did or would make your list?

Really? No, Really?

I just saw an insurance commercial.  It had a guy playing the part of "wind".  He was dressed in a suit, sitting up in a tree on a limb.  The limb overhung a new car.  He bounced up and down on the limb and made it break off and fall on the car.  Simulating wind and all.

Here's the "really" part.

As he did this (bounced on the limb and broke it off so that it fell on the car below), some small text popped on the bottom of the screen:

"Professional stuntman.  Do not attempt."

How far down the path of the ludicrous have we traveled that some legal department somewhere felt the need to let us know not to do that.

Thanks for the advice...I was really considering it.

Clever Marketing

The Scorpions and Ratt are coming to Atlanta.  I'm sure it will be an awesome concert.

The concert sponsor?  A local pest control company.  Hilarious.

Let Us Pray

This afternoon, I called my almost-four-year-old over and said, "Grab my hand...now grab momma's.  We're gonna pray..."

I closed my eyes and started to pray, and he said, "Wait, Daddy!  I want to pray!"  Then he closed his eyes, and said, "Lord Jesus..."

"Nathanael, if you want to pray first, you should just ask, not interrupt."

He opened his eyes and looked at me for a second, then closed them again, "Lord Jesus..."

"Nathanael..."

He just plowed ahead, "Lord Jesus..."

"Nathanael.  Listen to me.  We've talked about interrupting before.  Just ask if you want to pray."

"Okay.  Lord Jesus"  Pause.  "What are we praying about?"

It's a Quiz

One of my favorite bloggers, Misfit in Paradise, tagged me with this task. The task is to answer 10 questions presented to me, then tag 5 other people to answer 10 new questions. Sadly, I don't really have 5 other blogger friends, but I may (or may not) tag a few people in Facebook (since this will end up there as well).

1. (My old standby) You can invite 3 people to dinner. They can be from the past, present, or future. Who are they? C.S. Lewis, Axel Rose, Jesus

2. Why did you start a blog? (Blatantly stolen from Strawberry Jam Anne) I like to write, but I am usually too lazy. I thought a blog might require writing in small enough chunks that I would actually do it. And I crack myself up sometimes, and wanted to share it.

3. Monkeys, llamas, or horses? Yes.

4. Comedies or poignant dramas? Definitely comedies. I'm too much of a crier.

5. Do you have siblings? What kind (brothers, sisters, evil aliens)? If yes, where do you fit in the lineup? I am the youngest of three siblings (by 7 years). If you've been reading my blog for a while, you probably already know that my oldest sister passed away last December after a year and a half fight with lung cancer. She was a incredible person. My "middle" sister is one of the most compassionate, kind, and sweetest (and goofiest) people I've ever met.

6. Besides me, who is your favorite author? What book? C.S. Lewis - Perelandra

7. Are you a Gleek? Unfortunately.

8. Do you have any You Tube subscriptions? If yes, what? RhettandLink (great internetainers), Pomplamoose (very inventive musicians)

9. Inside? Outside? Country? City? Summer - inside, winter - outside, country - living, city - vacationing.

10. Paper, plastic, or bring your own? Bring our own.

Wow! A First...

Well, for the first time I'm actually blogging from a Starbuck's...am I finally hip now or what? Blogging, AND doing it in PUBLIC. Man, I am cool.

So...what to blog about...let's see...something profound...life-changing...

Oh! I know!

Now, that's a porta-potty!

Ingenuity Rocks

I have a great job. I work with great people and for a great company. I'm a Sr. Systems Analyst for a large ambulatory health care organization. I know...sounds exciting, right?

One of the funnest (most fun?) things about my job is getting to come up with creative solutions for problems. Usually my co-worker Bob and I tag-team on a lot of these problems. We've been working on one lately where we are migrating the documents for a couple of physicians from their old electronic medical record system to ours. A little over 30,000 of these documents are Microsoft Excel files. The system we are importing them into only accepts PDFs or other graphic file types (JPG, TIFF, etc.).

So, we needed a way to transform those 30,000 files from XLS to PDF. Bob worked out a system using PDF Creator, which can "print" pretty much any file type to a PDF, that could batch convert the files. There was only one problem. On every file the computer asked, "Do you want to save your changes?", to which Bob answered by pressing the "N" key. Now, of course Bob didn't want to sit at his desk for 34 hours hitting the "N" key. So he devised a plan. An ingenious plan.

To answer the question you must be asking: Yes, that is in fact a stapler, balanced on a stack of blank DVDs, pressing the "N" key.

Click on the image to enlarge it.

An Important Phone Call

A couple of days ago, my wife called me just as I was about to go into a meeting. This is how the call went:

Wife: Do you have a second? Your son needs to talk to you.

Me: Yeah, I've got just a second. Put him on.

(Pause)

Son: Daaaddddyyy!

Me: What's wrong, little buddy?

Son: (Said through sobs) I was in the front yard, and I found a stick, and I picked it up, and then I went to the back yard, and Bonnie grabbed it, and Bonnie ate it.

Me: She did?

Son: Yeah, Bonnie ate it. She ate my stick.

Me: Don't worry. We can find another one.

Son: She ate it.

Me: I know, buddy. I'm sorry.

One of My Favorites

Last weekend while I was delivering pizza for the Hut, I took this picture. That's my cool ride. This is one of my favorite places to park when I deliver to this area.

Mwahahaaa!

You Can Count On Me

I think my son is pretty bright. He talks a lot (imagine that) and has a great vocabulary, though he still sounds like a 3 year-old. He learned his numbers, colors and alphabet early. Lately though, he's run into a problem now that he's trying to count to 20. Our conversations go something like this:

Me: Hey, buddy, can you count to 20 for me.

Him: Sure! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20!

Me: Careful! You missed a couple in there. Try it again.

Him: Okay! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20!

Me: Okay, Nathanael, repeat after me. 11...

Him: 11...

Me: 12...

Him: 14...

Me: Let's try it again...repeat me, say what I say...12...

Him: 12...

Me: 13...

Him: 14...

Me: Nathanael, say 13...

Him: 13...

Me: Try this, say 12, 13, 14...

Him: 12, 14, 15...

(Pause)

Me: Okay...what's your phone number?

Him: 770-413-2853...leave your name and number...

Reflections

The title's not talking about looking back to the past. It's referring to how our kids are such reflections of us.

My (almost) three-year-old son brought me one of my videos of the The Tick and asked if we could watch it. I told him that we could watch it as soon as I finished the blog that I was writing for Father's Day. Below is his reply. Verbatim.

"Okay! That would be a perfect plan! Fantastic!!"

Oh, where does he get such a flair for the dramatic? Gee...I don't know.

Sometimes Not Enough Is Just Enough

At my day job I support and develop electronic medical records. We have things called "GLITCHes", which are problems directly reported by our end-users (usually physicians) to the IT staff. When they submit one, it is sent both to our email and cell phones.

Some of us don't have email on cell phones. We have to go to our email to get the full message because the cell phone text message limit will truncate the GLITCH We will only get the first part, which is usually something like:

"Having problem with referral template, can't open..."

or something like that. Every once in awhile we get a funny one. This past week we got the best one ever. The physician was trying to discontinue a medication on a patient and was having a problem. Here's the message we received:

"Computer will not allow me to disco"

Classic. Maybe you should try to mambo instead...

Steve Martin, Martin Short, Chevy Chase

I worked in a video store when I was 18. One day a 10 year-old hispanic child walked in with his grandmother. They walked up to the counter. He translated:

Excuse me, sir, do you have The Three Friends?

You mean The Three Amigos?

Yes, The Three Friends. Do you have it?

The Three Amigos? Yes, we have it.

Right, The Three Friends. You have it?

Yes. It's called The Three Amigos.

The Three Friends?

(Pause)

Yes, we have The Three Friends. It's in the comedy section.

ItBroke

Mostofmyblogging isdone from a littlelaptopthatIkeep in thelivingroom. Mysonpulled offthespacebar. Iputit back, butit only workspart of thetime.

Frustrating.

I've Said It Before

Kiefer Sutherland is possibly in a little bit of trouble.

The bizarre case took place at a costume gala afterparty at New York's SubMercer bar, where Sutherland reportedly saw fashion designer Jack McCollough knock over Brooke Shields. When Sutherland asked the Proenza Schouler designer to apologize and was pushed instead, Sutherland reportedly headbutted McCollough, breaking his nose.

If I've said it once, I've said it a dozen times:

Don't mess with Jack Bauer.

A Little Dancing Never Hurts

This morning, shortly after my 2 year-old received his Easter basket with a toy race car, some candy, and a lot of fake grass...

My son: Dad, I made a mess.

Me: Really? What did you do?

Son: I put da grass all over da floor in da livin room.

Me: You did?

Son: Uh huh. And I danced on it a little bit.

Confession is good for the soul.

Life on the Hut Line Part IV

Being a delivery driver, I've had a few things to say about working at Pizza Hut. So, in my continued efforts to be generally informative and helpful, please consider the following things when placing a delivery order:

1. Give the correct address. Whether over the phone or via the Internet, the correct address is a must. Try to include the street name AND number. If you live in an apartment, a number or letter is helpful. Also, make sure that the number is actually on your house/mailbox and visible.

2. The correct phone number is important, too. A working phone number is not enough. It should actually be YOUR phone number.

3. After you place your order, don't leave. Or take a nap. Or a shower. Or go in the backyard and mow.

4. Answer your phone, even if you don't recognize the incoming number on caller ID. Unfortunately, we are not issued "Pizza Hut Cell Phones", so if the delivery driver needs to call you, you probably won't see "Pizza Hut" on the caller ID.

5. If you live somewhere weird, inaccessible, dangerous, or just plain stupid, give really good directions, or offer to meet them somewhere.

6. Tip. Almost without exception, if your order is late or wrong, it is not the driver's fault. However, if they forget your drink or Parmesan, that's a different story. Just remember they depend on tips.

Follow these simple guidelines, and everyone will be happy.